One of the hardest things to sit with in any long-term relationship is the question: Is this a relationship deal breaker or something we can work through?

When the stakes are high — the more you care, the harder it is to know if what’s hard right now is just a bump or a wall.

Most of us weren’t taught how to tell the difference between a relationship deal breaker and something we can work on. We’re taught to avoid conflict, to stick it out no matter what, or to believe that if it doesn’t feel good, it must be wrong. And so, the moment something feels off, it’s easy to spiral:

• Is this a sign we’re not compatible?
• Are we just repeating the same dynamic again?
• Am I asking too much? Not enough?
• Am I making it worse by bringing this up again?

It’s easy to get stuck in the binary – either this is fixable or it’s over. But relationships don’t always work like that.

Some things matter deeply, but still don’t fit. Some things are messy but mendable. And sometimes, the very fact that you’re wrestling with the question is a sign of how much you care, not that something’s broken beyond repair.

So, how do you tell the difference between a relationship dealbreaker and something you can work through?

There’s no universal answer, but a few questions can help you clarify:

Is this about a behavior or a belief system?

Deal breakers are often rooted in deeper value conflicts. In a large-scale study by Jonason et al. (2015), participants identified value-related issues such as differing life goals, political beliefs, or lifestyle preferences as more serious deal breakers than surface-level traits.

Is this a rupture or a repeated pattern?

Repair matters. Research from the Gottman Institute (Gottman & Silver, 1999) shows that the ability to effectively repair after conflict is a key predictor of long-term relationship health. When misattunements become patterns rather than moments, it’s worth paying attention.

Is there openness to change on both sides or just one?

Mutual flexibility leads to greater satisfaction. A longitudinal study by Lavner et al. (2017) found that couples who showed willingness to adapt together experienced higher relational stability, even amid ongoing stressors.

When I name this, does it lead to repair or shutdown?

If attempts at connection are met with stonewalling, defensiveness, dismissiveness, or blame, it can signal a deeper breakdown in relational safety. On the other hand, when you’re met with curiosity or accountability, the door stays open.

What do I feel in my body when I imagine things staying the same?

Somatic awareness can offer insight that our thoughts sometimes obscure. According to Dr. Pat Ogden’s work in Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, bodily cues often signal discomfort or dread long before we consciously name something as unsustainable. BTW, if you’re looking to work on somatic stuff, I have three incredible people on my team to help: Amanda, Meryl & Crystal — all with different focuses. Check them out here.

Have I lost access to parts of myself in this relationship?

Psychologist Terri Apter’s work on identity in close relationships notes that while closeness is healthy, a loss of identity over time often signals an unhealthy dynamic. When we consistently self-abandon to preserve connection, the relationship itself becomes misaligned with our integrity.

What makes something a relationship deal breaker?

It’s rarely the issue itself; it’s what happens after. Is there a lack of accountability, empathy, and/or follow-through? Are there defensive walls, avoidance, or ongoing denial? These aren’t just frustrating; they signal that the relationship may not be able to move forward in the needed way.

On the other hand, repair looks like this: you bring it up, they stay, they try, and you both meet in the middle. Real repair is slow, imperfect, and honest.

Deal breakers can be quiet too; a slow erosion of self, repeated invalidation, or emotional unavailability that never shifts.

Staying vs. Self-Abandoning

If you’re in a long-term relationship that feels off, this might be your hardest question: Is staying helping me grow, or is it costing me pieces of myself?

There’s no all-or-nothing list, but these reflections matter:

• Do I like who I become in this relationship?
• Can I bring my full self here?
• Is responsibility shared when things hurt or rupture?
• When I reach out for care, is it returned?
• Have I expressed my needs more than once, and are they consistently ignored?
• Am I holding all the emotional labor, or is it reciprocated?

Sometimes, the most brutal truth to face is that a relationship can be loving yet still unsustainable. It can be full of effort and still empty of change. It can feel safe and still require parts of you to go quiet in order to survive it.

Final Thoughts

Relationships change. They can stretch, and sometimes, they break. That doesn’t mean they failed. But it does mean we need better tools for the messy space in between.

You’re allowed to want more, to ask hard questions, and to grieve what used to be while being honest about what is, now.

Working through this with support, whether in therapy, coaching, or with someone you trust, can offer clarity, safety, and insight.

Not every hard thing is a deal-breaker, but some definitely are. 

Want support navigating these questions? You can work with me or someone on my team.

If you want more writing like this, you can browse my posts on mental health and sex.